Dealing
with Grief • Coping with
the Holidays
Elephant in the Room • Blessed
are the Sorrowful
Miscarriage/Infant Loss
JOURNEY TO HEALING
A ministry of Consolation and
a Peer support Group are effective approaches for
parishes to respond to the needs of the grieving.
The Office of Family Life Ministries can assist
parishes with training that includes: the dynamics
of grief, contemporary understanding about loss,
steps and tasks in establishing a Parish Peer Support
Group and placing loss in the context of faith.
Please call the office for details.
DEALING
WITH THE GRIEF
A ministry of Consolation and a
Peer support Group are effective approaches for parishes
to respond to the needs of the grieving. The
Family Life Office can assist parishes with training
that includes: the dynamics of grief, contemporary
understanding about loss, steps and tasks in establishing
a Parish Peer Support Group and placing loss in the
context of faith. Please call the office for
details. What about the grief of the ones left behind? The death of someone
we love casts a gloom over our lives. As believers, we read the gospel
for consolation. There we see that when Christ died, the apostles felt
exactly as we feel. But the risen Christ joined them, opened their
eyes and turned their sorrow into joy. Christ is with us and He will
turn our sorrow into joy, if not today, then tomorrow.
MUST WE GRIEVE?
Sooner or later everybody has to
face the loss of a loved one. The way to deal
with grief is not to run away from it or pretend
it's not there, but to face it and work through it
with as much honesty and love as we can. The
lesson of the centuries is that suffering must be
borne; there is no way out. If we try to be
strong and continually put up defenses, we will end
up emotional wrecks and hardened as persons. Faith
should not be used as a barrier against grief. Sometimes
people mistake emotional denial as faith. But
Christ grieved. "To use faith to suppress
legitimate tears is a sort of crime against one's
humanity. To grieve over the loss of a loved
one is a truly good and necessary thing." (Michael
Quoist)
WHAT IS THE ROLE OF THE
MINISTER?
At a time such as this, people
want the minister to share their lives, especially
their sorrows. He may not always have the words
to say but he is here. This ministry to the
bereaved lies more in powerlessness than in power;
without genuine love and affection, there can be
no gesture of solidarity. The bereavement minister
is a sign of the love of God for Hs people and a
sign of His presence with them, especially in this
time of sorrow.
WHAT IS THE ROLE OF THE
COMMUNITY?
"Men travel side by side for
years, each locked in his own silence or exchanging
words which carry little or no fright, until danger
comes. Then they stand shoulder to shoulder. They
discover that they belong to the same family." (Antoine
de Saint Exupery). Death and calamity bring
people together as nothing else. All differences
vanish, all barriers fall down. To the bereaved,
the involvement of the community is most appropriate,
after all as Christians we believe that we have not
only a common dignity, but also a common destiny. We
are members of the people of God, brothers and sisters
in Christ, and are destined for the Father's kingdom:
'the life and death of each of us has its influence
on others." (Romans 14:7) The continuing presence
of the community is of great support and consolation
for the bereaved. There should be a continuing
involvement of the community in the weeks and months
that follow the loss - when the real grief work has
to be done.
COPING
WITH THE HOLIDAYS
"I thought I was doing
much better. The pain had subsided. I could laugh
again. I was beginning to spend time with friends.
My eating and sleeping patterns were back to normal.
Then I had to face my first Thanksgiving without
him. I felt the familiar effects of grief
wash over me and it was just like the healing process
had never even begun.”
- Anonymous
Holidays. They can be the
most joyous or the most painful days of the year. Holidays
are especially difficult if a loved one has died. By
planning ahead and dealing realistically with holiday
expectations, you can circumvent some of the holiday
sadness and fill those days with peaceful satisfaction.
Accepting and admitting that your
loss is going to require adjustment in your life
is especially true around the holidays. Traditions
may change, the amount of entertaining you feel like
doing may be altered, and your celebration may be
somewhat tempered: if you can accept and admit this,
you are at a halfway point of being able to enjoy
peaceful and relatively pain-free holidays.
Participating in current holiday
activities instead of thinking about what used to
be, is a good way to begin holiday healing. Actively
plan what you want to do and what you do not want
to do; this will prevent you from making decisions
under pressure and allow you to say "no" if
necessary. But don't say "no" to
everything; be tentative in accepting invitations;
offer your host/hostess an honest but brief explanation
about how you've been feeling lately that some days
are better than others since your loss - and that
if you're feeling up to it, you’d love to attend. It's
OK to establish new holiday traditions - a trip with
the family, working in a shelter on the holiday,
contributing to a favorite charity in lieu of buying
gifts - allow your creativity to soar and facilitate
your healing.
Preparing for the holidays and
getting into the holiday spirit may be difficult;
that's OK. If you're not ready to celebrate
this year, don't. However, if you have small
children, you'll need to discuss any holiday changes
with them so that they don't feel punished or confused. They
also suffer from a loss and a traditional family
celebration might be good for them. If asked
ahead of time, family members can help make the holiday
as normal as possible even if you don't feel up to
it. Christmas decorating may seem like more
trouble than it's worth, but it will bring warmth
into your home. Let your children, family,
or friends help decorate your tree; they'll provide
valuable companionship and help make the project
a special event rather than a chore.
If you're alone for the holidays,
take advantage of the time and pamper yourself Get
a book you've wanted to read, write letters, treat
yourself to a special meal, or call a friend who
might also be alone. Being alone does not necessarily
mean being lonely though - and you may enjoy the
time to think and reflect. If you know in advance
that you don't want to be by yourself, plan not to
be. It may mean you call family or friends
and suggest an activity, but it's a way for you to
let them know you'd like to spend time with them. Fellowship
with others often is the best medicine for a grieving
heart.
ELEPHANT
IN THE ROOM
Blessed
Are the Sorrowful
In the Process of Grief…They Shall Be Healed
And what does it mean to mourn? I asked the multitude,
and an elder stepped forward. To mourn, he said,
is to be given a second heart. It is to care so deeply
that you show your ache in person. To mourn is to
not be ashamed of the tears. It is to be broken,
to be built up and to be healed all in the same moment.
Blessed are you if you can minister to others with
an understanding of your own broken being. Blessed
are you if you have a heart that feels, a heart that
hurts and a heart that loves. And blessed are you
if you can minister to others with a heart that serves
and a heart that sees the need before it's spoken.
To mourn is to forget yourself for a moment and to
get lost in someone else's pain and then to find
yourself in the very act of getting lost. To mourn
is to be an expert in the miracle of being careful
with another's pain. It is to be full of willingness
of forever reaching out to and picking up and holding
carefully those who hurt. To mourn is to sing with
the dying and to be healed by the song and by the
death. To mourn is to move forward and to look back.
To mourn is to say YES!
Sources compiled and edited from:
MISCARRIAGE
/ INFANT LOSS
"We Remember...We Celebrate...We
Believe"
by Fran Hauck - originally published in The Pilot, 9/3/93
The birth of a baby is life's greatest
celebration of itself. Yet a child dies by
miscarriage, stillbirth as a newborn infant, the
parents are often expected to respond as if the loss
is less painful or has less meaning than the loss
of an older child or an adult loved one.
In the past, there has been little
available for parents whose child died before birth
or in early infancy. The Office of Family Life
Ministries has planned a liturgy, "We Remember..." as
an opportunity for families to gather together to
celebrate the brief lives of their babies who died
by miscarriage, stillbirth, or died in early infancy.
The families come to remember that
their little one - no matter how short their lives
- are and always will be part of them. Parents
whose babies die by miscarriage, stillbirth, or as
a newborn infant need to acknowledge that they had
a child and to grieve the death of that baby. The
parents, particularly the mother, suffer the loss
of the dreams they held for that child.
Parents accept a white carnation of
remembrance; they have the opportunity to sign their
babies' names into the white memorial book. Some
already have names - others use this occasion to
name their infant. Naming the baby makes this
baby an individual - not just a baby.
Parents are encouraged to let go and
forgive themselves for what they feel they did nor
did not do that might have caused the loss. They
are encouraged to forgive the persons around them
as well - who did not respond sensitively to their
loss. Parents realize that they must be forgiving
educators to persons who have never experienced such
a loss. Parents deeply appreciate being remembered
- rather than avoided - by their friends. A
quiet hug, or a sincerely spoken "I'm sorry," are
of tremendous consolation although they may evoke
tears.
The babies' names are read aloud. "In
the rising of the sun, and in its going down, we
remember them...So long as we lived, they too shall
live, for they are now a part of us, as we remember
them." For most families, especially in
the case of miscarriage, this is the first time that
parents have publicly heard their child's name.
There is a brief coffee hour following
the liturgy to enable persons to share their stories
with each other. One woman told of her four
miscarriages some 35 years ago - and of the unresolved
feelings of frustration and anger that she had carried
around with her. She felt this was the "beginning
of healing...it touches our heart and soul to remember. "
A middle-aged father spoke of the
pride he felt when he heard his son's name read;
he proudly showed a tiny, well-worn photo of his
beautiful baby. We know now that it is very
important to claim mementos of our baby. Most
hospitals take pictures of stillborn babies and infants
who die. Photos affirm the baby's realness. Many
hospitals are willing to give parents the blanket
that wrapped their baby - or a lock of hair; babies'
footprints, or a tracing of their feet and hands;
a birth or death certificate.
We learn that the stages of grieving
take a long time and affect all family members. Because
of the short lives of their infants and because parents
don't always have a chance to see, touch, or hold
their dead child, family, friends, and professionals
often expect mourning to be shortened or absent. Contrary
to such an expectation, the death of a child during
pregnancy or the death of a newborn can be as difficult
as the experience of losing an older child or an
adult loved one. Husbands and wives can be
expected to grieve in different ways but sometimes
one spouse mistakes the other's reluctance to show
feelings as "not caring." Grandparents
also grieve - for their dead grandchild as well as
for their own child who is suffering the loss. Siblings
often do not verbalize their feelings however they
need to be included in any plans pertaining to the
baby.
And some folks are not yet ready to
share their stories; the quiet sadness in their eyes
speaks loudly to our hearts. It is only then
that we realize it is the resiliency of the human
spirit and the hope of the human heart that will
ultimately transcend the gut wrenching sadness. It
is then that we believe our children will welcome
us into God's Kingdom.
Bereavement Ministries
